My blood work shows that my thyroid needs some help. Hypothyroidism. Thank you Lord for this answer! This will help with my depression (besides just the emotional roller-coaster- it was more than that), I feel tired ALL day, I have a foggy brain (difficult time remembering things and feeling "with it"), weight control (my weight goes up and down no matter my diet), and apparently FERTILITY! Also, my progesterone was low. Progesterone is a hormone that is released from the ovary at the time of ovulation to thicken the lining of your uterus in order to conceive and implant. If the uterine walls are not thick enough, they can't conceive... meaning you can't get pregnant... OR, you get pregnant but may have many unknown miscarriages because it is not "strong enough to hold the implantation." Ish. That's how I understand it. So, I am now on thyroid medicine and progesterone. Look out world- I'm taking crazy pills. Please have patience, grace, and mercy on me :)
Matt's results show low sperm count and of the count, only 20% are good (decreased morphology). She suggested we see a urologist and see if they can help and find a reason. If there's nothing they can do for us to increase the count, in turn increasing our chances of natural conception, we have an option! She will refer us to a specialist and we can try something called a "swim up". It's pretty much the same thing as IUI (intra-uterine insemination) except it calls for some preliminary actions.
I am so nervous. Scared. Upset. Hurt. Confused. Emotions everywhere.
I can't believe this is us. EVERY DAY (and some days multiple times a day), there are baby announcements, gender reveals, ultrasound pictures, complaining pregnant moms (this one is probably the most hurtful- I'll get to that another day, ha!), baby births, etc... pictures and posts on social media that screams in my face "REMINDER: YOU AREN'T AND CAN'T GET PREGNANT." Sometimes-- selfishly (I have already repented of this- just being real) -- I think to myself, (although I would NEVER in my LIFE wish this pain and heartache on anyone) why aren't there more of "us". I feel so alone. This SUCKS. This is not FAIR. Why ME?! BUT, then God brings these angels into my life that have been through the same thing and are so encouraging and inspiring. I have these friendships and deep emotional connections with women that I never ever thought I would have relationships with. And it's because we have been chosen for this wild road. It's an experience that if you haven't felt it-- YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW. We get each other.
So far, I have learned new feelings and emotions. I have experienced some very low pits. I have wanted to cuss (I did a few times-- sorry about that, Lord!). Scream. Give up. Quit. Leave. Run away. Hide. Stay in bed all day.
BUT I *AM LEARNING* new things as well. Like, how to worship my Savior from my darkest places. How to love my husband when I am so broken and have nothing to give. How to serve others when I am empty. How to get up out of bed and breathe. How to stay busy (in a good way) so I don't sulk in my pain.
God is Good. I am learning. I am changing. I am growing. I may not get to experience pregnancy, but I will NOT miss out on motherhood. I get so tickled with just the {thought} of rocking my tiny baby during a 3 am feeding. I have believed LIES that I will NEVER get to do these things... and now I am learning to reject these lies and am claiming LIFE... tickled to pieces. Can't even put it into words.
I don't know what our road looks like. I don't know if we will choose IUI. But I don't feel worried one bit about paying for it- I know my God will provide because He has placed us right in the middle of this beautiful mess. But I don't know what we will do at this point. Am I open to adoption? ABSOLUTELY. Does it fix my infertility? NOPE. Does it make it easier? NOPE. Does it change my desires as a woman wanting to do things like I am created to do? NOPE (not at this time anyway) But if that's what is before us, I will embrace it and give it my all.
Please continue to pray for us. We are so thankful the Lord can choose to heal and give life through medicine. However, our HOPE is in HIM. Pray for encouragement, joy, stamina to keep going, and for our bodies to receive the medicines.
Until next time...
Love, Megan
