My last post mentioned the "2 week wait." When I got home that afternoon (Tuesday, April 21) I felt nudged to take a pregnancy test. Matt would be home that afternoon from a 2 day conference and I could just see this whole thing playing out so perfectly.
Positive. The test is positive. HOLY COW. I have never- in my two years of taking these tests- seen 2 pink lines. It was faint... but it was positive. Ohmyword. What do I do now? Besides FREAK OUT! My heart was pounding so hard out of my chest I could see my shirt moving. I just fell to the floor crying and thanking Jesus. Thank you, thank you, thank you. You are so good! Thank you! We didn't even have to visit the urologist! We are PREGNANT! Yippee!
I did another test just to be sure. Negative. WHAT? I called a friend and she explained some tests detect a lower hCG (human chorionic gonadotropin hormone) level than others. I went to CVS, shaking and so jittery, bought another box of tests, a baby card, baby soap and lotion, wipes, and a poster. While checking out, I laid my positive pregnancy test down on the counter (ha!) and asked the cashier if she saw 2 lines. She said no. I asked her to look again carefully and with a big smile she said YES! I leave CVS and go to the party store and bought some pink and blue balloons.
I get home and down 2 bottles of water and start doing jumping jacks to help me go to the bathroom. And guess what... with diluted pee... POSITIVE.
OH MY WORD. HOLY COW. I'M PREGNANT. I HAVE A BEAN GROWING. WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO? HOW CAN I VIDEO MATT'S REACTION? HOW LONG UNTIL I GET TO SEE IT? WHEN CAN I TELL OUR FAMILY? HOW DO YOU KEEP THIS A SECRET? GOD... YOU ARE SO GOOD. WILL IT BE A BOY OR GIRL? etc etc etc
My mind. Going 10384924923 mph.
Oh yeah- and don't forget to go delete everything off of your phone so you can video Matt's reaction and not get the "not enough storage" message. Ugh!
Ok now what? I wait. Only 1 hour. Seemed like an ETERNITY. I am so excited to tell my baby daddy our news! Heart pounding like crazy!
When he came through the door, he could not believe it. SHOCKED. Just as shocked as I was. We cried. And laughed. And prayed. And thanked God for our little miracle. We spent a lot of the night in silence, just amazed at what was happening.
We are getting a baby for Christmas. December 30. Download all the apps. Let's see what it's doing. What does it look like? How big is it? God you are so good! Our baby is the size of a POPPYSEED!!
Next week, a tomato seed. And will have a spinal cord and brain! The next week a sweet pea. When we take our anniversary trip, a lime! This is so cool!
Wednesday morning I take 2 more tests, different brands. 1 positive, 1 negative. Okay, it's probably just too early. Right? I am really only 2 days late. Yes, that's it. Just too early. I called the doctor and she had me come in immediately for a urine test and to send me for lab work. YES! I am so excited! I downed 2 bottles of water.
Negative. What? This is insane. She read on the package that the hCG test can read urine or blood. So she asked if she could take my blood. She did it 2 times, 2 different ways. POSITIVE! TWO POSITIVES! I went to the actual lab to get my blood counts checked and she said she would call me tomorrow with the results.
Thursday my Doctor calls and says your number is there but it's very low. Let's be optimistically cautious and test again tomorrow. I'll call you Monday with the results.
LONGEST WEEKEND EVER. She calls Monday and says that my numbers doubled as they should have. Let's check again today and I'll call you tomorrow with results.
Tuesday... I didn't hear from her until 4:45. Very long and anxious day. I started having a feeling that it wasn't going to be good news. I just knew. I started doing some reading online and had mixed feelings. Most peoples numbers were way higher than mine. Like- 800s. Mine was 29. But, I also read that the number doesn't necessarily matter as long as it's doubling as it should. Okay, good. That's us. We are doubling. We are growing. We are pregnant!
Hi, Megan. This is Dr. ___. I don't have good news for you. Your number dropped over half. You will lose this one. Stop taking your progesterone, let your cycle start. You will have heavy bleeding and lots of cramps. I'm so sorry. We will try again next cycle.
So I sit here, typing this post... cramping. In lots of pain. I am losing my baby. They count your growth by the first day of your last cycle. So, yesterday I was 5 weeks. I made it to 5 weeks.
God, you are still good. I don't like this and this HURTS. But you are still good.
What could be worse? Thinking for 2 years that you can't get pregnant? Or celebrating because you are finally pregnant only to find out 1 week later you will lose it in a matter of days?? And now you have to tell all of your family that you were planning to tell next weekend on MOTHER'S DAY?? Really?? A week and a half before Mother's Day I am miscarrying?!
But here is what I have to choose to say. It's not easy but I am at a fork in the road where I have to make a choice. Here it is:
Thank you Lord that my body conceived. Thank you that I was able to provide a home for my little baby even if it was a few short weeks. Thank you that I get to meet my baby (maybe babies- who knows how many times this has happened and we had no idea due to low progesterone) in Heaven one day. I know You love it. You have a name for it. You had all of this planned. I don't understand but I will still say that you are GOOD. SO GOOD. For some reason, my story will continue. More pain and heartache. But for His glory. Jesus, I trust you.
I am now officially a mommy. It didn't last long but it was already so loved. It's not the way I wanted it. But, this baby was special and Jesus decided that He needed it in Heaven. Although it never made it's grand debut, it's short little life will bring God glory and reach people anyway. I will be sure of it.
I love you, baby. I miss you. I wanted to have you with me. I longed to hear your heart beat. To feel you move. To kiss your feet. To stare into your eyes. You are better off in Heaven. I'll see you face to face and kiss you all over there, instead of here. I can't wait for that day.
We hurt. We have shed lots of tears. We don't understand.
To top it off, my husband is very very sick. Worst day ever. But God has shown his love to us through our family and friends. People are calling and texting and coming to visit like crazy. We feel so loved and are so thankful for the people God has put in our life to love on us and care for us.
Maybe next month. Praying for baby #2.
Love,
Mommy
Philippians 4: 6-7, ESV: Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Lamentations 3:31-32, ESV: For the Lord will not cast off forever, but, though he cause grief, he will have compassion according to the abundance of his steadfast love.
Hebrews 12:7a, ESV: It is for discipline that you have to endure.
1 Peter 5:7, ESV: Cast all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.
Romans 8:26 & 28, ESV: The Spirit helps us in our weakness. for we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.
Philippians 3:7-10, ESV: But whatever gain I had, I counted as loss for the sake of Christ. Indeed I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith.
Revelation 21:4-5, ESV: He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away. And he who was seated on the throne said "Behold, I am making all things new."
Psalm 34:18, ESV: The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.
Isaiah 43:2-3, ESV: When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you. For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.
