Matt and I were set up in October 2008. That night, I called my Mama and told her "I just met the man I will marry." I just... knew. He was the one. And in my Daddy's words, "The hunt is over." Matt proposed on September 11, 2009, and of course, I said "YES!" We were at a Brad Paisley concert and he popped the question after serenading me during "She's Everything". Once I put the ring on my finger, the concert was meaningless and we jetted out of there to share the news with family and friends.
Funny story- Matt had gotten up early that morning to catch my Daddy before he left for work. Matt had been trying to have "the talk" with him for several weeks but the opportunities kept failing. So, Matt overheard him saying he would set his alarm for whatever time... so Matt also set his. He startled Daddy when he approached him. Daddy knew what he wanted but tried to put it off by rushing off to work. Matt expressed it was VERY important. Matt asked if he could marry me and much to my surprise, my Daddy did NOT prank him. Daddy said all he could think to do was bear hug him and say "I've always wanted a son! Welcome to the family!" BUT... my Daddy never told my Mama what was going on and when I called to tell her that I was engaged... she was shocked and not very happy. After the 3rd phone call, she was excited and couldn't wait to see my ring! haha! She thought Matt proposed without "permission" :)
We said "I do" on June 12, 2010. It was a very HOT sunny day, with a broken air conditioner in the church. Man... it was not fun to be in a heavy wedding dress and sweat. It was so hot, that when we turned to light our unity candles, they had almost already completely melted away! I believe our wedding honored the Lord, just as we prayed it would. Our reception was a blast... full of dancing and fellowship. We drove off in a classic car we borrowed from my uncle's dad. So much fun.
When dating and going through pre-marital counseling, we decided we wanted to wait to have kids until we had been married for 3-5 years. We wanted to experience life together, making memories that would not be possible had we had babies.
We moved 3 times, from Nacogdoches to Rockledge, Florida. Then to Silsbee, Texas where we stayed for 3 years. Then back to Nacogdoches where we currently are serving in Student Ministry at Fredonia Hill. God taught us SO. MUCH. during these moves.
During Spring Break of 2013, I took my last birth control pill. We were ready to start our family. And when I get something in my head, I want it to happen NOW. I just *KNEW* we would be pregnant by summer. I would work the next school year, then, Lord willing, get to stay at home with my baby. It's funny what happens when you have your own "plans". HA. (Proverbs 19:21, ESV; "Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the LORD that will stand. )
I immediately began reading and learning all things about pregnancy and what to expect... early signs... symptoms... finding baby names... planning my reveal to my husband... and a different reveal to our family and friends... It CONSUMED MY THOUGHTS.
That summer, I was experiencing some "symptoms" and was 3 days late. (Typically, my cycle came like clock work.) I took a pregnant test and it was negative. However, I convinced myself that it was a false negative, continuing with my "plans". The next day, I started, of course. And then came the tears and heartbreak. And to top it off... my friend text me that very day that she was pregnant. And WASN'T even trying. SHOT to the HEART.
Somewhere in this timeline, my father-in-law went to the ER with chest pains. Thankfully, they found an anyerism on his heart and he was life-flighted to Houston for immediate surgery. Matt and I frantically rushed to Houston not really knowing what was going on. We were in and out of Houston for 3 weeks. Of course, would't it just be so *perfect* for the Lord to bring life to our family during this difficult time?!? Again... I *knew* this was the month I would be pregnant. Aaaaaaand... NOPE.
Several months pass, some with more devastating months than others. In March, another aneurysm was found on my father-in-law's heart and we were rushed back to Houston to do this thing *again*. Little did we know, the second time was going to be more involved than the first and would be more life-threatening. We experienced a lot of stress during these several weeks. He had surgery on Monday and was looking really good... but started to have some complications on Wednesday. And then, Thursday, the nursing staff had to put us in "the room". It was a very scary time, but also a beautiful time. Every hour, we prayed Psalm 91 aloud, over and over and over, putting Homer's name in the scripture. We played music and just worshipped our Lord together. It was ALL we knew to do. We all had our iPads and Matt took his to his Dad's room and played worship music for him. He remembers the music and how calming it was. There is power in the name of Jesus. After several LONG weeks, he was finally released to go home.
Of course, again, wouldn't it be so fitting for us to have some good news during this very difficult time for our family??!! This time, on day SIX of being late, I was in the nurses office at my school talking to her about my "symptoms". She was about to show me a video about conception when a student walked in. She got up to address the student and I went to use the restroom. Guess what... my "visitor" arrived. I was DEVASTATED. When I told her, she thought I was joking. I left the campus for lunch and just cried and cried and cried. I was starting to think "We may not ever get pregnant."
I decided to call the doctor and set up an appointment to start doing some testing. My blood results and ultra sound came back great- no problems. I was in Houston, shopping with my Mama, when the nurse called me with Matt's results that shook my world. She told me that Matt has decreased morphology. She went on to say these world crashing words "You CAN get pregnant naturally, but your chances are VERY SLIM."
WHAT? This is not supposed to happen to me. This is NOT in my plan. I wanted the problem to be with me. An easy fix to clean things out. You can't change his problem! So what next? She laid out some options for me but said we would need to do another round of testing.
I was quite upset and called some of my very close praying friends to share my news with them. One of my sweet girlfriends said something to me that I will never forget and has stuck in my heart... making this journey more okay. She said something like this... Megan, God has a special plan for your life. And He is giving you a special journey because He knows that you will share it for His glory. If you got pregnant easily like everyone else... there would be no story to tell. But if He makes it a challenge, where you have to dig deep and trust Him, you will have a story, and He WILL BE glorified, which is our purpose in life... to glorify Him. He CHOSE YOU for this.
Wow. Thanks, Emily. <3
At the time the nurse called me with the news, I knew the Lord was calling us to move to Nacogdoches and take on a new job. I decided that we would hold off with more testing until we moved and got settled. Maybe she was wrong and we would end up pregnant with all the new happenings in our life.
So here I sit writing this post. It has been 4 months and, nope, still not pregnant. I think the hardest part of this whole thing so far was finding out my new sister-in-law of 2 months was pregnant. That was heart breaking news for me selfishly and the Lord really had to work on me. I spent several days crying and trying to piece my broken heart back together. It was difficult to say that I was happy for them. But I was. I am. Truly. I can't wait to meet their baby Murray in May! :)
Over the past several months, I have had many mixed emotions. Like... "What if we aren't supposed to have kids? What if it's not necessarily that we "can't" but that it's not God's plan for us...? Why bring another child into this world when there are so many already here that don't have homes? What about those kids? Who will be their mommy and daddy?" and so on.
I have always loved the idea of adoption... always wanted to do it. I think it's more my desire than Matt's desire... but the Lord is working on him ;). I know that adopting through CPS will most likely involve some trauma the child has faced... Could this be why the Lord placed me to work with special needs children? Many of which have behavior problems? I have noticed over the years that I have more patience with children who have disabilities and struggles than I do "normal-developing" kids who are just BAD. Nope, no patience for that junk. Can't handle it. And could this be why the Lord brought us to Fredonia Hill in Nacogdoches? To be surrounded by people burdened for orphans? To be encouraged and have a support system through each step? Hmmm...
We have had small talk about adoption. What would that look like for us? Do you see the Lord pointing us in this direction? How will our families react? Will they support? Can they love a child that is biologically someone else's? Can we bear the burden of someone else's sin? The answer to that is NO. It's not that we can or can't do it. It's that Jesus died for us, adopting us into his family. That's what makes it possible. This child will be loved with the love of Jesus. And that's the only answer.
It's funny how the Lord works and truly in HIS timing. Yesterday was National Adoption Day. Recently I have "liked" several different pages regarding adoption on Facebook so I have been seeing pictures of lots of little smiling faces with their new families. And guess what the Lord does today... our pastor interviewed a couple, having them share parts of their Foster-Adoption story. Then he taught on adoption and how it compares to Christ's adoption for us. WOW. Mind blown. Ok, Lord... I see your hand. I had tears throughout the entire service. But what really rocked my world was when he said "It's not worth the wait. If the Lord is calling you to adoption.. do it. Wasting time means losing kids... physically, emotionally, but more important, spiritually." There are TWENTY kids READY for adoption through CPS in Nacogdoches County.
If you are reading this, would you pray for us? I am beginning to have a different perspective about our infertility. We are going on 20 months now, which isn't long compared to some, but when your heart so deeply longs for something, it seems like an eternity. I long to feel my baby move, I long to kiss it's tiny toes, I long for morning sickness, I long for sleepless nights. I long to hear "I love you Mama". But I'm learning that maybe this "curse" is actually a blessing. <3
I may not have a child growing in my womb, but I have one growing in my heart.
Love, Megan
