Some days are just hard.
So many questions running through my mind. They weigh me down. They distract me. I believe it's okay to have these days. I just can't stay here. And I know that. But I'm "there" today.
I'm longing for motherhood. Whatever that may look like for me. Are we supposed to adopt? I'm ready to sign the papers right now if so. The waiting... is so hard. The not knowing what is in store for us... is so hard. I know that's part of the trusting. I wish so bad the Lord would just shout from the heavens... MEGAN... THIS IS IT ________________.
Will I be pregnant again? Will it last? Will I carry full term? Will I get to experience the Labor and Delivery room at the hospital? And see the tears of joy stream down my husband's face as he looks into the eyes of his newborn child? As the baby wraps his/her tiny hand around his finger? See a line of grandparents and aunts and uncles lined up at the nursery window with their noses pressed to the glass staring at our miracle? I long for these things. I long to dress my baby and walk out of the hospital and head home for the first time. Wear "Murray's Mom" on the back of a t-shirt. Clean fingerprints off of the backdoor. Wake up in the middle of the night to a crying baby needing their mommy. Taking their picture as they graduate kindergarten. It's the end of the school year and there are so many proud parents posting pictures and videos of their kids. I want that. Is that too much to ask? Even our Heavenly Father had a Son. I know these yearnings are normal. But some days they are stronger than others.
My heart is heavy and hurts today. I want an answer. Instead I have to continue pressing forward wondering around like a lost puppy. Clueless. But full of hope.
If my baby is out in the world somewhere-- I love you and can't wait to meet you. Hurry up, time. If my baby is yet to be conceived-- I love you and can't wait to meet you. Hurry up, time. We have lots of fun things to do and so many people are ready to meet you, whoever you are. I'm praying for you.
Love,
A Waiting Mom
Matthew 11:28, "Then Jesus said, "Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest."
Psalm 61:2, "From the ends of the earth I call to you, I call as my heart grows faint; lead me to the rock that is higher than I."
